I want a companion, not a husband

A few days ago, I was at a gathering with some of my friends, engaged in conversations that eventually led one of them to ask me why I wasn't married. The discussion then turned to the qualities of the man of my dreams. I drifted into thought, my memory taking me back to many years ago, specifically to my twenties when someone would ask me about the qualities I sought in the man of my dreams. Without hesitation, I would respond that he should be tall, have an athletic physique, be ambitious, easy-going, and enjoy life. I won't deny that I wasn;t flexible at all when it comes to accepting a man who didn't meet these criteria. I would refuse even to get to know him, resorting to the famous phrase that most girls use when rejecting a specific man: "I'm not thinking about marriage right now... Let's just be friends."

But between me and myself, or with my closest friends, I would express my true reasons for the rejection, often describing the man as too short or having a too "rigid personality". The standards I had outlined for the man of my dreams were set in stone, and I wouldn't compromise on them.

All of this came rushing back to me the moment my friend asked that question, and I responded without hesitation, "I want a companion, not a husband." Yes, now that I've crossed the age of 35, I've come to understand very well what I want in the man I'll spend the rest of my life with. Superficial qualities no longer hold any value for me. I no longer seek a tall man or one who is light-hearted. What I'm looking for is a man with whom I share a deep and meaningful friendship.

Indeed, friendship is now the only attribute that would make me agree to be with a man without hesitation. Who among us would choose to be with someone with whom they don't feel a spiritual and emotional connection?

I responded without hesitation, "I want a companion, not a husband." Yes, now that I've crossed the age of 35, I've come to understand very well what I want in the man I'll spend the rest of my life with

This is exactly what I'm looking for in a future spouse, a friend whom I don't feel embarrassed with when I accidentally say jumbled words or sentences. Someone I can complain to when my face looks pale due to my menstrual cycle, and my self-confidence and beauty aren't at their best. I don't want to appear perfect before him or feel compelled to utter that worn-out phrase that most girls use when they get engaged: "Our daughter was brought up well, unlike the girls of today." Instead, I want to be with a man with whom I can openly discuss our unconventional desires. I want to be able to hug him suddenly while walking down the street simply because I need that embrace without him giving me a lecture on what's appropriate and what's not. Someone I can confide in my sexual desires without him labeling me as a promiscuous woman. Unfortunately, most Eastern men classify a woman as bold to the point of promiscuity, just because she discloses her sexual desires, even if it was only for her husband for his own benefit.

I won't forget my friend who visited me one day with bruises on her face. When I asked her about the cause of those bruises, she burst into tears and began to explain how her husband had scolded, beat, and kicked her with his feet simply because she surprised him with something new during their intimate moments, accusing her of moral decadence. But that wasn't all; he also accused her of infidelity and began to interrogate her with questions like: "Where did you learn these things?" When she told him she was trying to revive their relationship to avoid any distance between them, he started beating her and used the harshest words to describe her.

I also will never forget another friend of mine whose husband divorced her because she had neglected herself and her body due to severe depression following her father's death.

In truth, I am often astonished by the very idea. Is it logical for marriage, which should be the most emotionally comforting, straightforward, and honest of all relationships, to be filled with such complications? Marriage should ideally be as easy-going as the closest friendships, where we don't strive to present ourselves in a polished light but instead reveal our true selves – our love, vulnerabilities, quirks, and even oddities.

I used to feel anxious the more I grew older without having gotten married, fearing that I might never achieve this life goal. But now, I look at things from a calmer perspective. All I want is to live with a man in a comfortable, uncomplicated relationship

I can't deny that I'm thankful I didn't marry at a young age like most of my friends. With maturity, my criteria for a life partner have evolved significantly, and even my view of a marital home has changed. In my twenties, I envisioned a tidy house filled with love, soft music, and candlelit dinners. But now, I imagine a small home where my husband and I sit together, sharing lighthearted conversations and laughter, with him recounting stories of his friends, his first love, and the first love letter he wrote, as I also share my thoughts on anything and everything, even if it's something as trivial as my choice of lipstick color.

We bond over watching our favorite TV series or cheering for a soccer match, and all of this doesn't mean I don't want to have any romantic moments. Of course, I would very much like that. But here what I'm talking about is as much companionship and friendship as love and romance.

Even my desire for parenthood has transformed over time. In the past, having children was once a goal I ardently pursued, and I felt great fear and anxiety as I grew older without having gotten married, fearing that I might never achieve this goal of "procreation". But now, I look at things from a gentler and calmer perspective. My goal has shifted to living with a man in a more "comfortable" relationship free from complications. It's not just about procreation; it's about emotional peace and serenity, the foundation of our bond.

Now, at the age of 37, I can confidently say that I'm seeking a best friend, a companion, not a husband, and I won't compromise on that quality even if I remain unmarried for the rest of my life.

* The views and opinions expressed in this article are those of the author’s and do not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of Raseef22