It’s nothing like the long-awaited dream: Bringing parents to Germany through the family “reunification” program

Several years ago, under pressure from human rights organizations, German authorities opened a program to reunite first-degree family members in some German cities. The conditions required the refugee to have lived in one of these cities for at least a year and to provide financial guarantees to the German authorities, either through personal means or with the help of friends, to cover the housing and living costs of the family members they wished to bring. The government, on the other hand, would cover health insurance for the reunited family members.

This program was a beacon of hope for many refugees who longed to see their families or bring their parents to a safer environment in Europe. Thus, many young men and women embarked on the journey of finding a sponsor or a job that would allow them to meet the sponsorship requirements. Since they would have to assure the sponsor that they wouldn't bear any financial burden and that their role would be merely formal, this process requires building significant trust between the refugee and the sponsor. Afterward, they must endure a lengthy bureaucratic process with the immigration office, one filled with waiting, endless paperwork, and complicated procedures.

For many of those who brought their parents through this family reunification sponsorship program, the reality turned out to be quite different from the long-awaited dream they had envisioned.

Despite these challenges, the moment of welcoming their family at the airport erases much of the fatigue and frustration. The refugee goes to the airport holding a bouquet of flowers, surrounded by friends to capture the joyful reunion with their parents on their phones. Thoughts would race through their minds about the places they would take them, the restaurants they would dine at, and the moments they would spend together as they share stories of the hardships endured in Germany and the efforts made to fulfill the dream of bringing them over. This was what one of my friends did when he took me with him to the airport just to document his long-awaited reunion with his mother, whom he hadn't seen in eight years since they parted in Damascus.

Reality is nothing like the long-awaited dream

For many of my friends who brought their parents through this "sponsorship system," the reality turned out to be quite different from the dream they had envisioned. The initial moments of happiness quickly faded, and the real pressure began as they faced the demands of their parents, who sometimes seem like children—completely dependent on their sons or daughters for everything, from handling bureaucratic matters to securing medical appointments and even grocery shopping.

"We are dead without our parents, and we are dead if our parents come. But dying of longing and missing them is far better than dying from frustration, pain, and disappointment after waiting so long to see them and working so hard to bring them to Germany, only to find that you’ve ruined both your life and theirs."

Additionally, they begin hearing comparisons with others: "So-and-so obtained German citizenship," "So-and-so bought a house," "So-and-so takes their parents on vacations," "So-and-so got a master’s degree." These comparisons add more pressure on the sons and daughters, and can negatively impact family relationships—not just between parents and their sons and daughters, but also between the sons and daughters and their spouses. Parents often feel that the home their child lives in is their own home, leading them to interfere in child-rearing and daily family affairs, and sometimes even meddle in their children’s relationships with their partners. This can lead to strained relationships and increased tensions.

Challenges of a different kind

Privacy and personal boundaries often become significant challenges. The sons and daughters may find themselves in uncomfortable situations, such as unexpected visitors their parents failed to inform them about, phones that don’t stop ringing, or being put on video calls with distant relatives and neighbors from back home, people with whom they haven’t had a close relationship for years.

At times, parents may lack the emotional sensitivity needed to connect with their loved ones back home, which can lead to behaviors that may seem provocative. For example, some might make video calls from public places like parks or supermarkets, indirectly showing off the level of comfort they enjoy in Germany compared to the hardships those still in Syria face.

While these actions may be a way of expressing pride in their achievements, they can also stir feelings of jealousy and bitterness among those still in Syria. Presenting only a rosy picture of life in Germany has led some families in Syria to pressure their children in Germany to move to cities where the family reunification program operates, so they too can be brought to Germany. This includes families who already live in safe cities in Syria, but want their children to alter their jobs, residences, or studies—essentially uprooting lives they’ve worked for years to build, sometimes with their own families, just to bring their parents to Germany.

Additionally, older parents might feel resentful when they meet other Syrian refugees who receive financial support from the government, creating a sense of injustice or provocation, as those arriving through the sponsorship system receive no such assistance. These feelings can lead to subtle tensions with their children, as parents start to feel less capable of achieving independence or gaining recognition.

Comments like "So-and-so obtained German citizenship," "So-and-so bought a house," "So-and-so takes their parents on vacations," or "So-and-so got a master’s degree" add more pressure on the sons and daughters, and can negatively impact family relationships—not just between parents and their sons and daughters, but also between the sons and daughters and their spouses.

On the other hand, parents become extremely sensitive, more affected by situations they might have tolerated back in Syria. Their complete reliance on their children may cause them to feel insulted over seemingly minor incidents, interpreting any irritation from their children as disrespect. However, these moments often stem from the parents’ heightened sensitivity rather than any real lack of respect from the children. Many parents also begin to emotionally blackmail their children, threatening to return to Syria out of sadness and sorrow due to their sons and daughters’ disobedience, feeling as though they are being mistreated.

My mother arrived at the end of the party

One of my friends, Ali, lives in Hamburg. Ali spent many years dreaming of bringing his parents to Germany. He finally got approval last year, and his parents arrived in Hamburg. He says, "My mother went crazy after arriving in Germany. She felt like she had arrived at the party when it was already over." His mother, who is in her late fifties, had been eagerly looking forward to her new life, but upon her arrival in Hamburg, instead of enjoying the beauty around her, she was overwhelmed by feelings of anger and frustration.

Ali told me, "When my mother goes to the park, instead of enjoying herself with us, she keeps repeating phrases like ‘what a waste of a lifetime,’ expressing her unhappiness at having come so late. She starts blaming us, making us feel guilty for not bringing her to Germany earlier.”

He describes how his mother intervenes in every aspect of their daily lives, constantly comparing them to others she observes, which further straines their relationship. Finally, he concluded, “I feel sorry for myself. I wasted ten years during which I couldn’t enjoy a meal or any moment of peace because my parents were far away and alone in Syria. And now, after they’ve come, I deeply regret those lost years.”

Others returned to Syria after spending just one month in Germany with their children. They couldn’t bear the loneliness and preferred to go back to their homes to spend time with their neighbors and loved ones in their homeland.

These families in Germany face many contradictions that heighten tensions between generations. Parents often feel the need for their children’s support, while at the same time feeling embarrassed about their reliance on them. Despite this, some parents don’t make enough effort to learn basic things that could alleviate the burden on their children, like using a map app to find their way, even though they may have become experts on Facebook, TikTok, and WhatsApp. They might expect their children to handle all tasks and refuse to tolerate any complaints from them, despite the immense pressures their children face as they adjust to the new society.

Moreover, parents may intervene in bureaucratic matters, believing they know better than their children because of their previous life experience. They complain about delays in official procedures, such as residency appointments or housing registrations, and compare their experiences to those of other families, pointing out that others seem to be progressing faster. These perceptions can make children feel inadequate or incapable of making the right decisions, even though the reality may just be natural variations in the course of procedures.

In some cases, children who only intended to bring their parents for a visit found themselves in a difficult situation when their parents refused to return to Syria. This placed the entire financial and living burden on the children, who now find themselves torn between building their own lives and bearing the responsibility for their parents. They are forced to postpone or cancel their personal life plans until their parents’ situation stabilizes, which essentially means waiting for the five-year sponsorship period to end, after which they can apply for humanitarian residency in Germany.

Some couldn't bear the exile

Family reunification and asylum, or even the mere experience of exile and living far from home, is a severe test of psychological and social adaptation, both for the sons and daughters, and their elderly or middle-aged parents. While some of the older generation struggle to adapt to their new life, feeling helpless and disoriented, others choose to return to their roots, prioritizing human and family connections over the desire to settle abroad.

Some parents couldn’t bear living far from home and suffered from extreme loneliness after they were unable to make an effort to connect with other families to spend time together. Even though their hearts ache and they feel like a burden on their children, they may not complain about their pain to avoid placing additional pressure on their children. Some say that they spend most of their day alone in a park to give their children a chance to relax with their partners and children.

Some Arabs living in Germany who had only intended to bring their parents over for a visit found themselves in a difficult situation when their parents refused to return to Syria. This placed the entire burden on the children, who now find themselves torn between building their own lives and shouldering their parents’ responsibilities, forcing them to postpone or cancel their personal life plans until their parents’ situation stabilizes.

Another friend of mine, Mohammad, lives in Thuringia. When I asked about his father, for whom Mohammad had worked on paperwork for two years to bring to Germany, he said: "My father started losing his mind when he arrived in Germany. From the second day, he began to act strangely and started giving us obvious advice, like standing at traffic lights and turning off the lights when leaving the house to conserve energy. Then he started asking my wife and me to find him a job. He is 70 years old. When we couldn’t find one, he began attending German language courses, but he couldn't learn the language.”

“His condition quickly deteriorated until he started living two parallel lives. He is tormented by his helplessness; he can’t bear the thought of being too old and unable to learn the language. In fact, he didn't complete his primary education in Syria due to his family's economic circumstances during his childhood, yet he walks around with books in his hands to show the Germans that he is an educated man,” Mohammad says, then adds, “During the day, he attends lectures and concerts, and in his spare time, he calls his friends in Syria to solve their problems. In the evenings, he goes on scavenging trips to collect leftover food, drinks, and furniture discarded by others on the streets. Then he returns home and becomes like a small child who needs our help with everything, while simultaneously comparing me to his friends' children who have bought houses and farms in Syria. He complains and cries sometimes, and then financially exploits me at other times. He does not help me with anything and doesn’t even spend an hour playing with my little daughter.”

Mohammad recounts, “I began to hate myself and regret the moment I thought of bringing him to Germany. At the same time, I feel sad for him, for his sense of inferiority before the Germans. I feel sorrow because he is a person who has worked hard all his life and was always respected, and still is, yet he doesn’t feel that way here. I ache for him because he doesn’t know how to enjoy life here, and his discontent and dissatisfaction with anything I do frustrate me; nothing I do pleases him, and he always demands better from me."

Others returned to Syria after spending just one month in Germany with their children. They couldn’t bear the loneliness and preferred to go back to their homes to spend time with their neighbors and loved ones, returning to Germany every six months to see their children, as required by law to avoid being absent from Germany for more than six months.

“I began to hate myself and regret the moment I thought of bringing him to Germany. At the same time, I feel sad for him, for his sense of inferiority before the Germans. I feel sorrow because he is a person who has worked hard all his life and was always respected, and still is, yet he doesn’t feel that way here. I ache for him because he doesn’t know how to enjoy life here."

Some Syrians who applied for sponsorship and brought their parents to Germany told me: "We are dead without our parents, and we are dead if our parents come. But dying of longing and missing them is much better than dying from frustration, pain, and disappointment with parents whom we have longed for and worked hard to bring to Germany, only to find that you’ve ruined both your life and theirs."

There are some people who should not leave their homeland. They are like plants that cannot bloom outside the soil they are accustomed to. These individuals are deeply connected to their native environment, which nourishes their spirits and gives them the strength to carry on. Attempting to uproot them and plant them in new soil can be devastating for them and for those around them. Similarly, bringing parents to live abroad in exile presents many psychological, emotional, and even physical challenges. Some feel lost and disconnected, some find it difficult to adapt to a new society and its values, and others suffer from feelings of helplessness and oppression, while some feel that they have arrived at the end of the party.

* The views and opinions expressed in this article are those of the author’s and do not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of Raseef22