We weren't meant to carry all this devastation within ourselves

It's 3:30 in the morning. It’s almost time for me to wake up, but I haven't been able to sleep yet. I've been in bed for nearly four hours. I had promised myself that tonight I’d go to sleep early. But once again, I’ve failed. I toss and turn, hoping to shed the burden of everything that is happening. It’s all in vain.

So I decided to turn to writing. Some therapists say that expressing your feelings through journaling is like a fast track to bringing you closer to yourself—a path to inner peace and tranquility. All right then, let's give it a try.

It's 3:30 in the morning, and it’s almost time for me to wake up, but I haven't been able to sleep yet. I've been in bed for nearly four hours. I had promised myself that tonight I’d go to sleep early. But once again, I’ve failed. I toss and turn, hoping to shed the burden of everything that is happening, but it’s all in vain. So I decided to turn to writing. Some therapists say that expressing your feelings through journaling is like a fast track to bringing you closer to yourself—a path to inner peace and tranquility.

So, now what? How do I process all that’s happened to me? How do I endure it all? How can so much happen and fit inside a fragile being like me without it even having the luxury of breaking down?

Let’s begin with a surreal scene that happened this week. I decided not to cancel a deep healing and emotional release session I had scheduled with my therapist, despite everything happening around me. Yes, it is true. I took an hour off from the turbulent activities of the war and disconnected from everyone for two hours. I took the time to connect with my inner child. It was a lovely meeting.

Logically speaking, this is an act detached from reality. Instead of devoting this time to prepare for a potential displacement to flee the war or to secure the future, I chose to revisit the past and heal. So yes, it was an act detached from this crisis-filled reality. I feel as if my inner child—whom I, by the way, call "Touma"—summoned me to the session to comfort me, and not the other way around.

The point I want to make here is that I, with everything inside of me, need rest. We were created to face life and live it bravely and boldly. But what is our limit? Or rather, what is the threshold of "mercy" that we should stop at, out of compassion for ourselves as human beings?

Israel's brutality? The world failing us? International hypocrisy? The hollowness of everything we once believed in? The people’s suffering? The worsening economic crisis? The fate of our bank deposits? The deep division tearing our societies apart? The generator bill? Potential displacement? My mother's worry and fear? My expatriate friend's tears? Daily work issues? Food for Anis—our sweet cat?… These are just a few of the countless, fleeting thoughts that come to mind, gnaw at it for a while, then leave.

The mind, the soul, and the body together all need balance. The relationship between them is interactive and complex, shaping the essence of who we are in the present moment.

For its part, the body refers to the physical structure and biological functions, including vital organs and systems. The health of the body greatly influences psychological and mental states. For instance, physical fatigue and exhaustion can lead to negative feelings.

As for the mind, it encompasses thoughts, awareness, consciousness, and cognitive functions. It influences how we perceive the world and respond to stress and challenges. Thoughts and beliefs can affect physical health by impacting the level of stress, or even the overall health and well-being of the body.

Finally, the soul is the nonphysical aspect that includes emotions, values, and the personal meaning of life. The soul can influence the mind and body by fostering inner balance and psychological peace, which can then reflect on physical and mental health.

How do I process all that’s happened to me? How do I endure it all? How can so much happen and fit inside a fragile being like me, without it even having the luxury of breaking down?

The interaction between these three dimensions means that the state of each affects the others. For example, anxiety (mind) can impact physical health (body), while meditation (soul) might help improve mental and physical focus and balance between the mind and body.

What does all of this have to do with my anxiety? My head feels like it’s about to explode. How can an organ this small handle the horror of everything happening around me? How can it bear all this?

I go to bed hearing news of Israel bombing Beirut’s southern suburbs and wake up to reports of Ismail Haniyeh's assassination in Tehran, escalating the risk of war. Then comes the news of journalist Ismail al-Ghoul being targeted in Gaza, interspersed with scenes of killing, destruction, panic, funerals of martyrs, and preparations for possible displacement. Then, we hear what sounds like explosions and shelling as Israeli warplanes repeatedly break the sound barrier over Beirut to scare civilians and induce panic. Let’s not forget my daytime role as a creative content writer. I have to carry out my duties as usual, with full enthusiasm and dedication, while ignoring the bubbling volcano I see in front of me.

My head feels like it’s about to explode. How can an organ this small handle all that’s happening around me? I got to bed hearing news of Israel bombing Beirut’s southern suburbs and wake up to reports of a potential escalation of war. Then comes news of journalist Ismail al-Ghoul being targeted in Gaza, interspersed with scenes of killing, destruction, panic, and funerals. Israeli jets repeatedly break the sound barrier over Beirut as a form of psychological warfare. Let’s not forget my work during the day. I have to carry out my duties as usual, while ignoring the bubbling volcano I see right in front of me.

Another surreal scene to ponder: my "work-from-home" setup allows me to experience something akin to severe dissociation daily. I’m a creative writer and human being living in the Middle East. For months now, I’ve strategically positioned my computer with a wonderful view: various TVs flickering between channels broadcasting the latest bit of morbid news. I succeed in my work, but I fail to maintain my balance.

My head feels like it’s about to explode.

Israel's brutality? The world failing us? International hypocrisy? A global betrayal and letdown? The hollowness of everything we once believed in? The people’s suffering? The worsening economic crisis? The fate of our bank deposits? The deep division in our country? The rampant discord tearing our societies apart? Our monthly expenses? The generator bill? My physical health? Potential displacement? My mother's worry and fear? My expatriate friend's tears? The strange social media posts we are seeing? My career progress? Daily work issues? Food for Anis—our sweet cat? Today’s lunch? These are just a few of the countless, fleeting thoughts that come to mind, gnaw at it for a while, then leave.

I wonder about my limits. I sympathize with my exhausted mind, grieve for my tired body, and ache for my soul, filled with festering wounds. Am I asking for too much? I want nothing more than peace and a good night's sleep. We weren’t meant to store all this devastation within; we were created to live, to love, and to bloom!

I wonder about my limits. I sympathize with my exhausted mind, grieve for my tired body, and ache for my soul, filled with festering wounds. Am I asking for too much? I want nothing more than peace and a good night's sleep. We weren’t meant to store all this devastation within; we were created to live, to love, and to bloom!

And, by the way: Fuck the occupation—today, tomorrow, and forever!

* The views and opinions expressed in this article are those of the author’s and do not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of Raseef22