We are depressed because this country is a day-to-day factory of depression with everything it keeps throwing at us. Because if we saw a raging fire, we’d hide in the corridors of our homes in fear of the oncoming blast, because going to work has become impossible, and because people are invading public places so that they could take their rights into their own hands, instead of resorting to absent laws. And because a mother and her four daughters were killed in a tragic accident on the Sa’adiyat Highway. The accident, a five-car collision, took place while they were searching for gasoline to welcome their travelling father, who was set to arrive in Beirut the next day from his travels.

The father arrived in Beirut to find Fatima, Zahraa, Aya, Leia, and Tia dead bodies in a country that doesn’t care about the lives of its inhabitants, and so, the parting of the family continues.

Last night, a picture of young Matteo Allawi also reached us on social media, informing us of his passing under circumstances that have not yet been revealed.

A father arrived in Beirut to find his wife Fatima, and daughters Zahraa, Aya, Leia, and Tia dead bodies in a country that doesn’t care about its inhabitants. They were out looking for gas to fill the car tank.

On a post on his Facebook page, Matteo had expressed his own personal pain and despair with the words: “Personally, I am living in a state of despair, depression, sadness, disgust, and surrender… I cannot see a future. I cannot see a better situation, I cannot see any good days for a long time to come… It’s possible at the present time to try to relieve myself through any means possible… But in reality, the moment of entertainment ends and the laughter goes with it, and I go back to the exact same state… How are we able to live like this? How are we okay with it? #Lebanon #EveryoneMeansEveryone #CurseYourLeader”.

Daily Accumulation

A young man turns on the TV to watch a movie that may be able to separate him from reality. He laughs because the owner of the satellite line had cut off the signal because he has no electricity, so he just sits there with his miserable reality. A young lady tries to go and work in a café because there is also no electricity in her home, but she is hindered by an empty water tank. She stays home and gives up working and showering on this day. A mother goes out to the store to buy food for her family. She selects meals according to her meager purchasing power, and the vast space in ​​the fridge remains empty. My relative tells me he saw a woman throwing away what was left of her used frying oil and stopped when her neighbor yelled out and asked her to give her the oil so she could use it. A man wears his white t-shirt and stands near a restaurant asking the customers for whatever they can spare. I turn to my friends and say that this man looks like he lost his job in the midst of this ongoing total collapse. They tell me to eat my food, just stick to helping him, and not analyze the situation any further. I finish my food but I keep thinking about him until this moment; this man must have been a government employee. And I also often think of the other man that now comes to stand near the branch of the well-known Barbar restaurant on Spears street. He turns his back to the street and faces the gate to eat the food that is offered to him by passers-by. He must have a lot of pride that he hides his hunger from the faces of strangers.

Those who return from travel describe us, the ones who stayed here, as zombies. We were caught in the economic collapse and failed to topple the corrupt ruling class.

The Internal Explosion

Those returning from travel describe us — the ones who stayed here — as zombies. I cannot find a more accurate or more fitting description than this. We are the ones who were not killed in the explosion, the ones who survived the pandemic. We were caught in the economic collapse and failed to topple the ruling system. No one pulled our bodies out from under the rubble, our loved ones did not cry over us, and our pictures were not put up with our names under them — the same names that the future generations will forget. We — the ones who survived — die every day, but we are still alive. And for all those who do not understand what the current situation in Lebanon is, we who are living in it can say that it is a mix of denial, indifference, and constant anxiety over the coming disaster and impending doom. For this reason, we demand that mass destruction take place already, just so we could understand the ground on which we stand upon, and perhaps then we will be able to organize our daily lives accordingly.

As for what is happening now of promises to bring electricity and more fuel, the central bank’s non-sustainable solutions, and the fluctuating prices that are changing daily, applying such feeble patches is pushing citizens to take up their weapons and kill any outside threat — from blackout, to fuels and banks — and sometimes push them to an internal explosion that leads them to suicide or separation from reality. This is because human nature is not equipped to endure and contain all this anxiety accompanying humiliation.

*The views and opinions expressed in this article are those of the author’s and do not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of Raseef22