I Can’t Tell Mom Any of This: From the Diary of an Arab Millennial

 “How did you break your glasses?” asks my furious mom.

Here’s how I broke my glasses: I was gulping on big cups of mint tea with a bunch of my friends, waiting on Majed to bring us some ecstasy, and plan something for the night. Majed is the kind of friend you would get together with to get intoxicated. Surely, I can’t tell mom any of this!

By the time Majed shows up with the E, I get a call from my French-expatriate friend- and the only white girl I can stand- Anna, inviting me over for some beers, before we make plans for the night. I take the E with Majed and we head over to Anna’s house. We found her sitting with her roommate and twin brothers. To this day, I can’t tell them apart or remember their names. I know it’s something with an S and an A!

One of them was willing to try the pill with us. Majed got a call from his girl and had to leave us, so I had to plan a cheap clubbing-night with the twins and the whitey, and I had to hurry up with it because the pill was starting to kick in! When we went out of beer, we headed out to the closest, cheapest, and grossest pub around. I can’t tell my mom any of this!

We get there; the high twins and I are all up on the dance floor making every move we know. The drinks keep coming and I’m not getting tired, but one of them did not seem to be doing well. He said he needs some air, so I follow him, hoping that I haven’t drugged the kid to death. I’ve been calling him “the kid” all evening, when he’s several years older than me.

He throws up, I try to hydrate him and shake him out as fast as possible. I don’t want to get sober yet. I can’t tell my mom any of this! I leave him in the good hands of Anna who seems to be drunk enough to lay down dead next to him.

I walk back in and run into Moad, whom I call “the couch” as I've been crashing at his place as much as a scolded husband would sleep on a couch. I dance with him, he buys me the following few drinks, then tells me I can come sleep at his house if I want to. Of course I want to, I love his house! I wait until I’m not conscious enough to keep on checking on Anna and the kid, then head to the couch’s house. Can’t tell mom about this either, I told her I’m sleeping with a girl friend!

On our way to his house, we got into an argument when I voiced my opinion that no political or social system can govern us fairly, because I believe, truly, wholeheartedly, that we are a species doomed to live in unwanted chaos and corruption until the day we finally blow up this poor planet. We seemed to have bothered a few drunkards on the way who followed us around, calling us whore and pimp.

Moad would be a horrible pimp; he’s way too shy and sweet. I wouldn't be a good whore either; I'm way too focused on my own desires and needs during sex! Nonetheless, we are drunk enough to retaliate. Twenty minutes later, Moad is on the floor; his ass got beaten up. I stood next to him cursing them out. I couldn’t help but poke fun at him before helping him up.

We’ve never laughed this hard before. Neither of us can believe we had just got beaten up on a Wednesday night! When we get home, I notice that I’m not wearing my glasses. They must have fallen off my face during the “fight”. If you can call it a fight, as it was fairly a massacre! I can’t tell my mom any of this!

I came up with a lie instantly; something about stairs and untied shoelaces. I myself wouldn’t have bought it. We can’t afford buying new glasses, and I can’t see anything further than 100 meters, but nevertheless, it was a fun night.