Sleepover at His Family’s: From the Diary of an Arab Millennial

I’ve always found romantic dates, as portrayed by movies and tv shows, to be extremely ridiculous. Who in this real world asks a person out, setting a time and date, only to sit around with milkshakes, trying to impress another person? I’ve never been on a date and most people I know never have either! So how do we date/hook up? well, we just hang out until the situation “escalates,” or until we get drunk and horny, like all normal people!  When I was a kid, I had no idea what sex means! I only knew of love-making: if two people of the opposite gender love each other, they would rub their genitals against each other, and BOOM, the magic happens. Boy, was I wrong! Especially about the “rubbing” and “opposite gender” parts! I then realized that there were actually no rules. I can have sex with anyone as long as we consent. There was no reason for it not to work unless we’re in love. And thank goodness for that because if we only sleep with people we love, we’d get laid an awful lot less. Here I am, thinking about this, as my gorgeously long haired boyfriend snores next to me. You see, I can’t sleep because at any moment one of his family members could barge in, so we spend the whole night playing “tag you’re asleep” until it’s finally time for me to sneak out the same way I came in- through the neighbor’s rooftop! This is too much work for two folks trying to get each other off! I cuddle with him to pass the time. He’s all sweaty and nasty- I love him but really, he stinks! So I scroll through my facebook, twitter, Instagram, tumblr and all, unnecessarily stalking people I truly don’t care for. Me and this ridiculously tall and handsome guy started “dating” three months ago. Well, not exactly, but we started sleeping together three months ago and one day we discovered we like each other even when we’re fully clothed. It took us many conversations and bottles of beer to be ok with such revelation. We both have fears of monogamy and commitment so we ran away from being committed and monogamists in this relationship for long enough before coming to the evident conclusion that there isn’t much to be afraid of.   I don’t understand my fear of an exclusive romantic relationship; maybe I’m worried that I might be missing out on other possibilities if I’m investing all my emotions in one specific person. Perhaps I’m afraid of living like my parents, stuck with one person you chose in a hurry and now forced to live with for the rest of your boring life. Or maybe I’m just a slut. All assumptions are fair! Uh oh! I hear someone coming. I pull his hair to wake him up before running to hide in the closet. He falls back to sleep as soon as I close the closet behind me. Could he seriously care less? False alarm- whoever it was just went back to their bed. I punch him lightly to open his eyes to the risk we almost ran into but he barely wakes up. It is a mystery to me how he can indulge in deep sleep. I leave some change for him on his nightstand because I know he doesn’t have any and is too embarrassed to ask. I don’t mind paying for him sometimes- we’re way past the part where we should feel awkward talking about money. I have a job, he doesn’t, it seems only logical for me to help him out. Of course, my friends cannot fathom the idea of a woman supporting her boyfriend!   The sun rises soon enough and I gather my things to leave. I lay an aggressive kiss on his lips to wake him up, yet failing. I go through some sort of an athletic circuit by climbing up his neighbor’s rooftop then inclining my way to the streets. I hurry my steps to catch a cab and go to class. Some might call it a “walk of shame,” but if I had any shame I wouldn’t have been in a man’s bed next to his parents. I run into his father right outside the house! We’ve met before- he knows I’m a “friend” of his son. I freeze. I say “good morning” and keep on walking as if it’s a custom to run into him at seven in the freaking morning! I instantly come up with a lie that I had knocked on their door to wake his son up as we were supposed to study together. I might have put my man in some trouble there, making him look like a lazy guy sleeping through his studies, but what else was I supposed to invent with this sleeping mouth of mine? “Hello sir, good thing you didn’t hear me cumming last night”?